I Hate Toothpicks

Have you heard of these pointy mouth-prophylactics? Seems like everyone and their mothers are walking around with these internal-injuries-waiting-to-happen hanging from their gobs. Now, if you happen to be one of these winsome mouth-breathers, don't get upset - you should be relieved to hear that this season getting rushed to the ER after a fine meal is totally in. It's the new digestif.

It's just that when this sort of practical-seeming implement becomes an accessory - a veritable facial-appliance, if you will - that I feel it is my duty as a seminal bloggeur to declare that humanity is officially gotten out of hand. Are you going for some kind of look here? As in "look here, just in case you haven't noticed, I've got some half-masticated beefsteak in my mouth. Wanna bone?"

Plus, just think about how many trees are felled each year to help you make yourself look like a douchebag in public. Why not get with the times and invest in a sustainable resource: 

 Scorpions are nature's toothpicks.

OK, so toothpicks are handy on the go. I know what a bother it is carrying dental floss around in your pocket. If only someone would come up with some sort of carryall to conveniently store it in a visually appealing and secure way alongside your iPad, novelty glasses (when not in use) and maybe a hook for your fedora or other urban accessory. Until that great day dawns, however, you can always tuck it inside your oversized Euro-hipster neck-shawl.

Certainly, as with any great invention, the wunderkind who first mind-farted this whole toothpick concept probably figured he hit on something revolutionary, something to change the world and make life worth living. But he did not foresee this:

Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me! 

The wonderful thing about dental floss is that you use it once and throw it away. Or, barring that, toss some Cheerios on it and sell it as an artisinal urban accessory. Fortunately I don't have to deal with this toothpick dilemma personally since, due to my authentic Euro-style grille, the spaces between my teeth are large enough to allow easy access via my very own 'Converse' brand shoelaces.

This approach may not work for you but it works wonders for me as I have discovered the secret to cool: look like a goddamn slob. In fact I have removed all laces, zippers and buttons from all my clothing, footwear and neck-shawls. Exit mature-looking, well-groomed, well-adjusted loser; enter urban-chic slanty-haired, retro-douche winner. The future is looking outa'-sight!