I Hate Euphemisms

The American language is the most euphemistic language ever conceived of. There seems to be no end to the ways in which semantic tools are used in America to substitute, soften, mislead, mask, vagar, validate, confuse, complicate, downplay, distort, evade and generally bullshit the true and authentic reality.

As time passes we are constantly inventing novel, clever, ways to divorce ourselves from real life (you know, that thing that happens when the power goes out or Verizon blocks your internet connection for downloading copyright materials).

I will make no attempt to enumerate the endless muckeries and schmuckeries, spin and wordplay (Swordplay), that get tacked on year in, year out, to our dear and dying language for, in truth, better men have tackled the topic before me and said all that needs to be said:

"Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins." -George Carlin.

  

My only intention here is to think out loud and ask why? Why must we delude ourselves into believing we live in some sort of utopia? Why dwell in this made-up, unattainable, inauthentic world where no one can die, only pass away, no one is poor, merely economically-disadvantaged, no one is crippled, only handicapped, no one is stupid, only academically-challenged, no one is fat, just overweight, no one is killed, only neutralized.

A professor of mine once told a story of an encounter I now recall as relevant. He was at a dinner party for the wealthy work-acquaintances of his "Caucasian" wife and some smug intellectual asked him "what challenges he faced as an African-American writer." He, being a black man of Irish decent, answered only, "I wouldn't know; I'm black."

In fact I think back to that story whenever I am forced to fill out any kind of spurious document such as a census or voting form. Sure I check the box marked "Caucasian," because what choice do I have? I cannot even begin to fathom what unheard-of muckery is implied by checking "Other." Not that it matters for the vote, which barely matters in the first place; but I wouldn't want to misrepresent turn-out numbers of the "Caucasian race" in my age group. Don't get me wrong: I want to do everything I can to perpetuate the lie.

So many choices, but only one feels right.

                                           

To further relate the idea to everyday life: You have your all-too-common relationship euphemisms. The greatest of which may be the "let's just be friends" phrase. Such a phrase is all but empty of meaning, as empty as a cliche (see future post) because it's been so used, abused and rung dry of any real meaning that more often than not it leaves the recipient, or 'heart-breakee,' literally speechless - if not maniacally enraged - at this senseless dung-dropping of the soul. Not that "to hell with you" is any better or more comforting, but since you know ["let's-just-be-friends" = "to-hell-with-you"] any way you slice it, the euphemism seems infinitely more brazen - how false! - how unapologetic that is - such an insult-to-injury type case is sure to leave you so hollow that it's difficult to imagine how you ever loved that bitch in the first place:

"I thought you said we were just going to be friends."

                                          

There is more to say; so many more grievances to let air. As a pre-prominent member of an elite, satisfaction-challenged bloggener-matrix of post-Caucasian, upper-middle-right-vertically-impaired-socio-economic, culturally-bereft strata, I am struck with a joy-deficit and, not to mention, somewhat saddened that for now our time (America) has run out.