Well let me tell you something: People should be prosecuted for their beliefs. Even if those beliefs are actually incidental and have nothing to do with who they are. You might be innocent; you might even be the greatest thing since Manga Liz Hurley, but I want you to know I do not approve and, by the way, even if I am alone in saying so, screw you Adolf Hitler!
Now, you may have read the story in the news a while back about this kid. It's a real hard-luck case when some airhead bureaucrat forgets to stamp the papers to "volunteer" your parents for compulsory sterilization, and then this happens:
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| "In case you don't get the hint, we're not here for candy." |
But then, luckily, providence shines down and your deadbeat parents ostensibly renounce their Neo-Nazi roots, announcing that the swastikas adorning your house and their bodies from top to bottom are a form of expressionist urban-chic. Which, admittedly, makes it OK. But it's too late 'cause guess what? Your name is still Adolf Fuckin' Hitler!
Sure, the best thing about my nitwit religion is you get absolved every time you confess to the pedo in the box, so, you know, pretty much license to kill, right? But even so, everyone blames the parents for their own sins and it's difficult - as a nation of insatiable consumer- cum- auto-fellators- to live that kind of thing down.
Still though, why does everyone love this kid and hate the parents? I say, give freely to this kid the same hate you so generously afford his parents. Or don't you think he might live up to his name?
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| Come on, inhale! Don't get all G.W. Bush on me. |
The fact is this kid is going to grow up with a serious superiority complex. And that's just unhealthy. He's going to want birthday cakes with his unholy name on it and I am pleased to report that at least one openly trailer-trash-friendly supermarket is standing up and saying "No thank you, Mr. Hitler:"
[The ShopRite also refused to provide a blank cake for the parents to place little Adolf’s name on the cake as well, saying only that they “We believe the request … to inscribe a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate.”]
I firmly believe that every American has the right to a reality-check, such as: many professional journalists flunked grammar, also as well as in addition to: most newsroom editors don't actually do anything. Furthermore, as an American, you should get used to disappointment. And that begins at an early age with the proper societal reinforcement:
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| Just one bun-in-the-oven short of the American Dream |
But perhaps I am being to hard on the poor kid. By this point he is just about old enough to understand a thing or two about how royally fucked he is. Unfortunately for him, as a dependent, he cannot yet legally change his name to John Wayne Gacy Campbell. It's a hard-knock life, you know? All the other kids at the foster center school are teasing him behind his back and the rare brave one goes and tells him to his face, spilling the beans. How is it going to be for this kid when he reads his name in the "dickhead" section of the history textbook or finds himself playing Wolfenstein on the wrong side. Will he a be a sad-sack, lonely-heart, searching endlessly for his Eva Braun? Will he be feared and despised forever?
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| "Daddy, why are people always saluting me?" |
Yes, it is tough when your name is Adlof Hitler. Your name will be censored in every yearbook, and you may have to leave that space blank on job applications. You will never be able to get your taxes done by a professional. And good luck trying to purchase that engagement ring. You will never make it to MTV's top 10 countdown or get approved for a car loan or sign your name for that co-op apartment in Williamsburg. Your life will be a hard one. I should have been more considerate. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways, Adolf Hitler. You have my apologies, little guy.
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