I Hate You (The Greeting Cards)

Happy Touchdown, fellow holidayers. As you may already know, I live for the holiday season. Unfortunately Hallmark is crap. No one makes real world greeting cards anymore. They seem to always be unspecific, unrealistic and saccharine. Don't you just want to say what you think? But where do you get such tailor made rubbish? Nowhere, that's where. Instead, cerebrate with me and these fine greeting card ideas:

Happy Birthday!

Live it up while you're too young to have regrets.

                                                                     

Congratulations!

"I just wanted to send you this exaltation!"

                    
Joy to the World

"Don't get stabbed on your tip"

Get Well Soon!

"Sorry to hear about the botched colonoscopy."

We Heard You lost your job!                     . 

"So we got you this tie. To go with your other tie"

Glad you got off easy!
 

"Lame! Next time hire that fag from Mission Impossible."

Sorry you're feeling down

"Y2K: No special occasion necessary"

Our Condolences!

"But at least you're not pregnant, right?"

Happy Anniversary!

I'm sorry your god is a dick.

It's A Boy! 

Thanks for propagating the human race.

Happy Easter!

Yep, it's still as terrifying as you remember.

Happy Graduation!

But you'll never live that down.

Merry Christmas! 

Stuff your stockings with Americana.

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