I Hate "Convenience"

What is this thing we call convenience? Is it just another misleading term we use in place of the less consumer-friendly but no less technical term "circle-jerk"? Is convenience just a trick of the trade? When thinking about the term the first thing that comes to this depraved Ameri-can mind is the convenience store. Sometimes we call them Dollar-stores (where a dollar will buy you exactly nothing). A trashy little place usually owned by Bangladeshis who stuff it full of every food, household and miscellaneous "why-the-hell-not" item you might or might not ever need. Is it really convenient though? I guess if they dropped the euphemism and called it what it is, a lot less people would care to be seen shopping there:

Soon to gain statehood.

The "convenience" part comes in because you don't need to waste precious time walking down the block to some outdated "specialty" store, since everything is available to you in one convenient pile of junk. The proprietors probably figure that the more "convenient" they can make it for you, with 12 odd aisles of pure unadulterated kipple, the less likely you are to shop anywhere else, and that way the quality of the product doesn't really matter, since you're already here and there is no need to ever shop around for better stuff. You might object that convenience store prices are pretty good, but that's because you never shop at real establishments any more.

"Can I interest you in some childhood Diabetes?"

You will notice that the term also applies to things that are decidedly not convenient. Like those fees charged by ticketmaster, your school, your bank and other for-profit institutions. But Mr. Hater, you might be saying, those convenience fees are in place so we can drain our bank accounts without leaving our sweat and powdered-sugar-soaked gaming chairs. But you know, that's not helping your life right now. You should get out and walk some. And just remember those fees are only convenient for the payee. You, the payer, as a rule, can pretty much go fuck yourself.

In any case, luckily, some things are actually engineered for real convenience. Lefty-specific products, for instance. I mean where would you be without that lefty shoe-horn, lefty corkscrew or lefty jock-itch-cream? This is necessary and functional stuff and, I don't mind mentioning, this has inspired me to release my very own line of lefty classics adaptations - classic novels of the 17th and 18th century, edited for kosher and transcribed to read right-to-left for our dear Jewish friends.

"Wish I could read."

We here in Canada's underbelly are all about leading the world in convenience. Furthermore, I am told we happen to be "leaders of the free world." While I have yet to see this so-called free world personally, I will say this to our credit: you know this country is great when it absolutely creams the competition in all convenience-oriented contrivances. Where else in the world can you make a living touting crap that no one really needs? To name just a few- fish foot-spas and face-lifts; sub-prime mortgages and "luxury" tract-housing; junk-food and fitness franchises; MMORPG's and social-networks; walkalators and Segways:

If only there was a better way.

This trope is an old one, but I will restate it here: In an effort to ease our lives with technology and time saving contrivances, we have become dependent on them. Think about it. You will work your ass off to buy the thing, lets call it car, so you can save time and energy and use it to get to work. But now you are working to feed your car and that infinitesimal time and energy you just saved has gone where? What will you do with that time except maybe work overtime hours to be able to afford a tank of gas. Maybe you can spend that time watching Kiefer Sutherland's mounting impatience and disbelief that a simple plot-line can be stretched so goddamn thin.

"I can't...can't change the channel! It's got some kinda voodoo on me."

Point being that "convenience" is a misnomer. It's never really that convenient when you think about it. And you're always paying for it in one way or another. Sure driving to work is convenient but then you have to pay the tolls, guzzle gas and deal with parking. Sure it's more convenient to medicate your kids instead of reasoning, guiding or beating them senseless, but then you are screwing them up down the line and they probably won't be in a good position to take care of you when you are too frail to get into the shower by yourself. And sure it's easier to rant about the things you hate instead of trying to do something meaningful in order to bring about some kind of change, but, well- I don't have an answer for that one- and I certainly don't want to inconvenience myself by trying.